Having a brother or sister can be great when you’re growing up – for starters there’s always somebody around to play with. But when we grow up, we’ve got to take responsibility and make an effort in the relationship. Otherwise, before you know it, you’re meeting at family events a couple of times a year, saying ‘we must catch up’.

In my experience, most people have a low mark for their relationships with siblings for one of three reasons:

1. They fell out due to a family issue (usually parents).
2. They don’t see each other as they have little in common.
3. Money – something happened financially and they fell out.

How things go wrong

David was very close to his sister Lisa as they grew up. When he started working and ‘paying board’ she went to college, then on to university. This was followed by a gap year which turned into five.

During this time David worked hard. Shortly after buying a new house, their mother had a stroke and moved in with him, his wife and his eight-month-old daughter. After nine months of care rehabilitation she moved back to her home, but David visited her every day. David cared for his Mum for two years before she died; he arranged the funeral and took care of pretty much everything. When Lisa arrived ‘home’ for the funeral there was a different feeling between David and his sister. And three weeks later it was about to get a lot worse.

In her will, their Mum left half of her estate to David and half to Lisa. Admittedly David wasn’t happy but his wife was furious: ‘How could she leave her the same as you? You cared for her, you did everything, it’s not fair.’ And just at a time when a brother and sister should support each other they were being pushed further apart.

I would love to say the story you have read is a rare occurrence but a friend of mine who is a solicitor tells me it isn’t. If you have a situation like that or similar, here’s what you can do.

• Understand – spend some time thinking about your parents’ motives for doing whatever they have done. Put yourself in their shoes.
• Communicate – share how you feel but don’t judge; it may be that your sibling feels as uncomfortable as you do.
• Remember why you did what you did. I’m sure David didn’t do all he did for his Mum because he thought he’d get more of the inheritance.

Focus on what’s important

Brothers and sisters often grow apart. Whether geography or beliefs, it’s a shame when this happens. I’ve heard people say: ‘I haven’t seen my brother in years.’ My father went through a period where he didn’t see his brother for years. Well, they did see each other, they were living in the same town, but they didn’t speak or spend time together. This has changed and now their relationship is brilliant.

So, what happened? I think they went back to the core of their relationship; they focused on what they had in common and built on these foundations. My Uncle Harry has a fantastic allotment; my Dad doesn’t, so he started a mini-allotment at the side of his house and asked Harry for help. They talk passionately about grandchildren and use each other’s skills to help with home improvements.

By focusing on what’s right, they have become very close.