In my first book, How to Be Brilliant, I described values as being right up there with oxygen. Meaning if you get your values right life is easy; get them wrong and you’re in trouble.

Values are the classic subconsciously ‘learned behaviour’. We aren’t born with them, we rarely sit down and plan what they should be, we just acquire them. And that’s the danger.

Having a set of values that you ‘just picked up’ is fine if the people who are teaching you those values (by their behaviours) are positive role models. But what if they’re not? Or, even more dangerous, what if you think they are but they’re not?

Your values make you who you are

During a training programme, part of which taught attendees how to identify core values, a participant revealed he had a list that included ‘passion’, ‘winning’, ‘success’, ‘power’, ‘achievement’, ‘being best’ and ‘obsession’.

The next stage of the exercise was to write a description of the person you would ultimately want to become – what you wanted to be remembered for. His list included ‘compassionate’, ‘healthy’, ‘loving’, ‘understanding’, ‘generous’ and ‘relaxed’. Slight values clash? What do you think?

How to write and live with positive rewarding values

So, here’s the exercise.

Step one: Make a list of your current values. Here’s a list to help you get started; select the ones that honestly describe you and then add your own:

Step two: Write a description of the type of person you ultimately want to become. Ask yourself if the first list represents the values of the person you ultimately want to become. If it’s a ‘yes’, then that’s easy; just keep on doing what you are doing. If it’s a ‘no’ or a ‘maybe’ then ask yourself: ‘What are the values of the person I want to become?’ Then when you have this list, simply live your life to those values and you’ll become that person.

Sounds too easy? Most of us aren’t conscious of our values. They tend to exist at a subconscious level, which means that we don’t spot the challenges when they sneak up on us.

Here’s an example. Perhaps one of your values is ‘jealousy’. Whoa, wait a minute, can that be a value? Do you look at what other people have and feel jealous? If you do that on a regular basis, then that’s a value. I know it may seem like a negative one, but nevertheless it is a value (a behaviour that you keep repeating). So, if you then look at your description of the person you ultimately want to become and there’s no hint of a person who is jealous – what next?

It’s time to reprogramme. In order to reprogramme your values you have to hold them in your conscious mind. One of the best ways to do this is to write them down. If you can, create a small laminated card with your values printed on. Use this as your reference.

What to do when you catch yourself using a negative value

When you catch yourself using a negative value, one you don’t want to be associated with, take out your card and find a value that is the opposite of the negative one you have just felt. For example, let’s go back to jealousy. You catch yourself being unnecessarily jealous of a friend’s new car and rather than sharing their excitement you find you are having thoughts along the lines of: ‘How did they afford that?’ ‘I should have a car like that’, etc. Remember your ‘new’ values list, then select a positive value for this occasion. It may be something like ‘generous’. So, be generous with your excitement, be generous with your praise, be generous with your compliments.

Here’s the exciting part. You can very quickly eliminate jealousy and replace it with more positive values. As with any technique it works best if you throw yourself into it, believe it’s going to work and keep at it.