In order for me to fulfil my goal of being a brilliant Dad, I aim to be brilliant with my kids – but they have to think I’m brilliant too. Easier said than done, especially when they may not agree with what you’re teaching, sharing or discussing with them.

My wife, Christine, who is the most supportive person in the world, often says, ‘It’s not our job as parents to be popular.’ True, it’s not. I see so many parents buying the affection of their kids and letting them get away with so much to avoid conflict or to be seen to be ‘cool’. This, in turn, makes the situation worse later and the spiral continues in ever-downward circles. I worry when a parent says their child is their best friend. Kids are pushing boundaries and they want you to let them know where those boundaries are. However, the person who points it out isn’t going to be popular. It’s a paradox and very difficult for best friends to do.

Accept responsibility

So, if you are having a challenging relationship with your child, then who’s to blame? Well, that’s not a very constructive place to start. A better question may be, ‘Whose job is it to improve it?’

Unless your kids have read the previous chapters on mums and dads, it’s unlikely to be them. So that leaves you!

I remember once coaching a brilliant company director named Jim. Jim had a son aged 16 who was also called Jim (Jim Jnr). As you would expect, we started the first coaching session by completing a Wheel of Life. He had 10s for career, vision and personal development. However, he had a three for family. ‘Why the three for family?’ I asked him. ‘It’s my 16-year-old son’, he said, ‘He’s a little ****!’ Clearly a good place to start.

After some discussion, I asked him if he loved his son. His reply was: ‘Yes, I love him, I just don’t like him right now.’ So I gave him the homework of telling his son that he loved him.

WEEK 1: Nothing.

WEEK 2: ‘I almost told him’ (whatever that meant!)

WEEK 3: He did it! The only thing they did have in common was that they supported the same football team – they were watching football on Sky Sports and their team won. This was Jim’s moment. He turned to Jim Jnr, took a deep breath and said: ‘Jim, I need to tell you something. I love you, son, I want you to know that, I love you.’

Jim Jnr looked his Dad in the eye and asked, ‘What do you want?’ before walking out of the room shaking his head.

If it had ended there then that would be tragic; however, Jim went on to tell me how later that night his wife had revealed that she knew he’d ‘done it’ because Jim Jnr had walked straight into the kitchen and said: ‘Dad just told me he loves me.’ She asked him, ‘How does that make you feel?’, to which he replied: ‘Good, Mum, pretty good.’

When you aren’t getting on well with your child, it’s very easy to play the ‘I’m not saying sorry first’ game, but somebody has to, so why not you. . .? You’re the grown up after all.

Take time to talk

As children grow up it’s their job to cause worries for parents, but the joy they bring far outweighs the problems – usually. It’s worth making sure you have enough time to talk. Mealtimes are perfect for this. Make a real effort to eat together and try opening conversation with a simple ‘Tell me about your day.’ Notice it’s not ‘How was your day?’ because that question is almost guaranteed to be answered with one word: ‘Fine.’

The real secret here is to have lots of follow-up questions because as children get older their desire to communicate with parents reduces – dramatically.

Here are five follow-up questions:

1. What was the best bit about today?
2. What could have been better?
3. What made you laugh?
4. What problems/worries are your friends facing (the subtle way to find out what’s going on in their minds)?
5. Tell me one thing you’ve learned today (especially good with younger children).

How to get your kids to tidy their rooms without even asking them

I once did an event for a college and the only way they could get all the staff together was to hold it on a Saturday. The principal was worried that there would be low attendance so I suggested she put on the flyer as part of the list of what they would learn: ‘How to get your kids to tidy their rooms without being asked, nagged, cajoled or threatened.’

Ninety-eight per cent of staff turned up – even those who didn’t have kids!

The answer is simple. Tell your children how good they are at tidying their rooms. Find the slightest thing they have done and keep on reaffirming how much tidier their room is. Now here’s where you need guts and stickability because the tipping point where they actually start to believe you and start cleaning and tidying can take anything from a few days to weeks. YOU HAVE TO STICK WITH IT.

It does work – but you have to believe.