Having an intimate relationship with someone whom you love so much you could pop is just about as good as it gets. It’s most people’s goal, yet few achieve it and even fewer maintain it.

I’ve been married twice. Not unusual these days, but I’ve been married twice to the same person. I don’t know if she just couldn’t live without me (joke), but I know I couldn’t imagine life without her (serious). So, why did we split up you may be asking? I’ll be honest with you – it wasn’t helped by the fact I’d stopped doing my Wheel of Life.

Once I discovered this brilliant tool in 1991 I completed it every month for eight years. Then I started to teach personal development and I became so focused on my business I forgot to do my own Wheel of Life. If I had, I might have spotted much earlier that my Family Wheel was suffering and, in particular, my relationship with my wife.

I live with my wife and work with her. We do everything together – it’s brilliant. The reason it works is because we work at it every single day. When you’ve lost something special and then get a second chance you don’t want to lose it again. But isn’t it ironic that this amazing and special relationship can be taken for granted?

Taking your relationship for granted is the thin end of the wedge and if you don’t correct it soon then you may have a challenge on your hands.

Repairing your relationship

If you’ve realised that your relationship isn’t what it should be, and you want to do something about it, you need to know that this may not be an easy journey. You really have to ask yourself whether you are willing to put the effort in to get things back on track – half-hearted efforts can often do more damage than good.

However, if you do decide you want to make the relationship work brilliantly again, and you are prepared to really give it your all, then take heart – it may seem like an impossible task at first, but often simple changes can have a profound effect.

Here are 10 things you can do right now to set you off in the right direction:

1. Start dating each other again. Do you remember how much effort you put into your relationship when it was new and exciting? Go on some dates and make the same effort as you did first time around.
2. Say sorry. Even if it’s not your fault.
3. Be there. Many relationships fail because people get absorbed in their own world – be there for your partner.
4. Write love notes. They don’t have to be soppy sonnets; just say how much you appreciate what your partner does for you.
5. Cook a meal together. Admittedly for some people that could be the start of the divorce but, for most, cooking together is a great way to get closer.
6. Be interested in them. Ask your partner questions and be fascinated by the answers.
7. Give genuine compliments. Tell them what you like, not what’s wrong.
8. Cut down on or stop watching TV. Especially in the bedroom (you can work that one out).
9. Remember what was right. By going to the best bits of your past you can create better bits for your future.
10. Do the Wheel of Life together.

Adopt the right approach

One of the reasons why many relationships fail is because the main purpose of the relationship is forgotten or the intimacy of the relationship is moved to one side.

When I was separated from my wife, I travelled to Australia to see Tony Robbins present his ‘Date with Destiny’ seminar. At exactly 11 pm on 10 April 2002, I saw him explain the three levels of relationships and at that moment made a decision that I was only going to be satisfied with a Level 3 relationship – I know it was exactly then, because I wrote it down and I keep that piece of paper close by at all times.

The three levels of a relationship are:

• Level 1: What can I get out of this relationship?
• Level 2: I’ll do this for you but I expect you to do that for me.
• Level 3: Your needs are my needs.

When I first heard those words I realised that in the past I had managed on a Level 2 relationship and when the marriage failed I had taken the relationship to Level 1.

If you focus on moving towards Level 3, you’ll feel differently about your relationship – you’ll come from a place of complete care for the other person first. If your partner is doing the same a Level 3 relationship is blissful. It’s rare that anyone can be like this all the time in every situation, but it is a wonderful goal and when you have this intention at heart you’ll find yourself scoring top marks in no time.

And the best time to start is right now. Tell your partner how much you love them, write that note, make an effort and who knows, your spark could be reignited, your flame fanned and your relationship taken to another level.