They say you can count your best friends on one hand. You can probably count your ‘real’ best friends on two thumbs.

When I turned 40 I had a party. I did what I guess everyone does when they have a bash and wrote a list of everyone I wanted to invite. The number became too big, so we looked at ways to reduce it. We began by writing a list of friends we simply couldn’t have the party without and we ended up with our final list.

The whole exercise made me reflect on the final invite lists I would make and what kind of friend I am. I’m sure I’ve let some of my friends down at one time or another and I must rub some people up the wrong way. I do my best to be a good friend as I know all too well what it feels like when friends let us down or don’t try as hard as they might.

How to build and keep close friendships

Building and maintaining close, rewarding friendships takes time and involves many shared experiences, but there are some simple tips that will help you along the way:

1. Lower your expectations. We often expect more than people can give for one reason or another and this leads to disappointment. It’s much better to focus on what they can give, rather than what we want them or expect them to give.
2. Make the first move. We so often think our friends should be more thoughtful. How about thinking, ‘Perhaps it’s me who needs to take the first few steps.’
3. Be genuinely interested in what your friends are doing. All too often close friends take each other for granted, thinking they know all there is to know.
4. Don’t talk about how wonderful your other friends are when you’re with your best friends. Hearing what a brilliant time you had with someone else isn’t much fun for a best friend.
5. Write to your friends, even if they live close. One of my wife’s best friends, Marion, frequently writes her letters and Christine loves to receive them. They’re better than emails.
6. Call for no reason – just for a chat. Try sending a card for no reason too – it’s amazing how much friends appreciate these gestures!
7. Keep your word, avoid cancelling things and show yourself to be a reliable loyal friend.
8. Do your best not to judge. Just because someone is your friend it doesn’t mean you know what is really happening in their lives. People without children have no idea what it’s like to have children until they have their own. You never know what may be happening in the background when they are on the phone to you and you’re recounting your fifth funny story of the day.
9. Never lend money to or borrow money from a friend.

Go with the flow

It’s a constant endeavour to keep up close friendships and there are often up times and low times. Try not to make much of the down times – things will sort themselves out if the friendship is meant to last.

Don’t hold on

Often we grow apart from close friends. It is a sad fact of life, but you have to be prepared to let close friends go if the relationship is counterproductive.

Be open

We often close ourselves off to making new close friends. But you’ll be surprised just where and when you might meet someone whom you can have a lasting and close friendship with – so long as you are open to this. Your next best friend may be an acquaintance now who needs just a little encouragement to upgrade to a best mate. Give them an opportunity!

Final thoughts on best friends

Let them in. Be forgiving and give second chances. Be interested but not too intrusive. Be caring but not overbearing. Be thoughtful but don’t meddle. Be fun but know when to be serious. Be giving but don’t expect anything in return. And when they let you down (as they will), be understanding. Give them a brilliant reason to become an even better friend to you.