60 ◾ Transforming Teams
Silence.
“Okay, I’ll give you a hint. Predictability!”
A sales rep spoke up, “Oh! So that we know in
advance what we’re going to get when we interact with
someone?”
“Yes! Exactly! Because we all seek predictability when
dealing with each other. Think about it: as humans,
we like to know what to expect when we interact with
someone. Isn’t it alarming when you say something to
someone and they have a completely unexpected reac-
tion to what you’ve said?” asked Charles.
Everyone nodded in agreement.
“Think of how startling it would be to say ‘good
morning’ and to have someone shout something nega-
tive back at you. Or to make a seemingly innocuous
comment to someone and to have them dash out in
tears. That’s why we treasure predictability, so that
we can avoid these alarming interactions. Our hope
is that when we communicate, we get a reaction con-
sistent with the tone and substance of what we’ve
communicated.”
Again, everyone nodded. Charles was getting
through.
“Don’t forget, all of us are a species, just like our
friends the birds, the bees, the dogs and the cats and,
yes, Eliza, the coyote and the badger. And scientic
research has shown that, as a species, we Homo sapi-
ens get 55 percent of our communication from body
language, 38 percent from tone of voice, and just 7
percent from our actual words. Think about that! Only
7 percent of the way we communicate comes from the
The Communication Preferences of Homo sapiens ◾ 61
actual words that we use.” Charles showed a slide of
this to the participants.
*
Sincerity &
Meaning
Tone of Voice
38%
Body Language
55%
Words
7%
How We Communicate
“Boy, no wonder we’re struggling with e-mail and
texting,” said Dave, to laughter.
Charles continued, “But here’s the thing. The way we
inhabit our bodies, our tone of voice, even the words
that we use—they’re all dependent on behavioral style.
And when those three things—body language, tone
of voice, and the words that we use—are aligned, our
communication makes sense. It’s predictable. We’re
happy! But when they’re not, we lose meaning.”
*
Data from Albert Mehrabian and Morton Wiener, “Decoding of
Inconsistent Communications,” Journal of Personality and Social
Psychology 6, 1, 1967: 109–14.
62 ◾ Transforming Teams
Charles walked back to the computer and put up
another slide. “Here’s a case in point. What does this
sentence mean?”
I didn’t say the module was broken.
Turning to the group, after a moment Charles asked,
“Come on. What does it mean?”
The group, not knowing what he was asking,
remained quiet. Charles waited for someone to speak up.
A hand went up. “It means I wasn’t the one who
said the module was broken? Someone else said it?”
“Maybe,” said Charles. “Could it mean anything else?”
Another volunteer spoke up. “How about, I didn’t
say it was the module that was broken. Maybe some-
thing else was broken?”
“Good, anyone else?”
A third participant responded. “I didn’t say the mod-
ule was broken, I said it was not plugged in or out of
batteries.”
“You got it!” Charles boomed enthusiastically. “See?
Look at how many ways we can interpret that simple
sentence that, when I rst put it up on the screen,
seemed pretty straightforward.
“The point is, how we use our body, how we
emphasize different words, the actual words we use—
these are all dependent on behavioral style. And when
they aren’t in alignment, we lose meaning and context.
We get miscommunication. Things can get messy.”
Turning to Keisha, one of the more introverted cus-
tomer service representatives, Charles asked in a gentle
voice, “Let me guess—you like a quiet environment,
The Communication Preferences of Homo sapiens ◾ 63
without noise, people, and conict, right?” Keisha cau-
tiously nodded with a slight smile.
Turning to Dave, Charles asked more forcefully, “And
you, sir! Something tells me you don’t mind shaking
things up a bit, putting a bit of pressure on folks to get
them to up their sense of urgency. Am I right?”
“Damn right!” Dave boomed with a smile on his face.
“And that’s why we focus on behavioral style, so that
we can learn what each of us prefers in order to be
more like them.”
Dave interrupted, “What do you mean, ‘in order to
be more like them’? Are you suggesting I have to be
more like Keisha here? I don’t think that’s going to y
when I make my sales calls.”
“What I’m saying is that if you are talking with
Keisha, in order to collaborate better with her, you will
be much more effective if you can match her body lan-
guage, voice, and language preferences than if you come
exploding into her ofce with a huge sense of urgency.
If you tone it down, you’ll accomplish a lot more.”
Keisha nodded enthusiastically in agreement.
“Okay,” continued Dave, “but instead of tiptoeing
into my ofce like a church mouse, no offense Keisha,”
he said, turning to her, “shouldn’t she try to match my
behavioral style? Shouldn’t she be more like me?”
“Absolutely, she should . . . to the best of her ability.
But you can’t change Keisha, can you Dave?” Charles
asked.
“Oh, I can try,” Dave said kiddingly.
“Sure, you can try. But you’ll be about as effective
as you’ve been in trying to change Claire or Kirby or
64 ◾ Transforming Teams
anyone else around here. The sad truth, Dave, is that
it’s almost impossible to change someone else. They
have to be the ones who decide to change. And it goes
for you, too, Dave. The only person you can change
is you, yourself. If you focus on that—on making the
changes you actually have the power to make—then
the rest will follow.”
Eliza chimed in, “In fact, that’s one of my golden
nuggets. The only person you can change is yourself.”
e only person
you can change
is yourself
Dave, Keisha, and the group nodded thoughtfully.
“And that’s why we’re doing this,” Eliza continued.
“What we’re doing today is giving you a set of tools
to be able to communicate better. But, in the end, the
only person who can change or make any of this have
meaning is you. Each and every one of you.”
Keisha raised her hand.
“Keisha, you have a question?” asked Charles.
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