91
Chapter 10
The Only One You
Can Change Is You
Eliza was pleased with the results of her rst team
intervention. The language of DISC was spreading
throughout the sales and customer service departments.
She was amused to see one of Claire’s customer service
representatives gently chiding one of the sales repre-
sentatives when he approached her with a head full of
steam and a bundle of urgency.
“Bruce, your high D is messing with my S. Can we
slow down and gure out how to prioritize this?” she
asked.
The comment completely disarmed Bruce, and Eliza
watched with amusement as they sat down to discuss
the best way to manage the workow.
No one was apologizing for their own behavioral
preferences. They were simply presenting them as a
92 ◾ Transforming Teams
means of working collaboratively together. Eliza was
also seeing much more communication and in-person,
one-on-one conversations. She wasn’t certain, but she
suspected that the volume of e-mails had somewhat
subsided as well, given the fact that everyone seemed
to be talking.
Everyone, that is, except for her two top managers.
Despite all of the success with the DISC, Claire and
Dave still seemed to be at odds with one another. A
day didn’t go by without Eliza having one or the other
in her ofce complaining. Some of the complaints
sounded justied, but many seemed to her to be petty.
Eliza puzzled about this. Why, after all the DISC
work, would Claire and Dave be having more struggles
rather than fewer? It was clear she didn’t understand the
situation between the two fully enough and decided to
do a little digging.
The Only One You Can Change Is You ◾ 93
Eliza called Dave and asked him to go to lunch
with her at Chez Dumas, one of the nicer restaurants
in town. The company work culture was not one of
wining and dining, so the request came as a surprise to
Dave, which, of course, was Eliza’s intention.
Curious, Dave asked her during the drive to the res-
taurant what the reason was for the invitation. He was
noticeably nervous. He wasn’t a huge fan of surprises.
If it was a new client or business opportunity, she
would have told him that in the ofce. Whatever it was,
it was obviously important.
“Dave, why are you so dgety?” asked Eliza.
“I was just thinking. Long before I was married,
I had a girlfriend that I wanted to break up with. I
asked a friend of mine the best way to do it, and he
suggested taking her to a really nice French restaurant
in town because she would never make a scene in a
place like that.”
“Oh,” Eliza responded a bit quizzically, not realizing
Dave was suspecting she was taking him to the restau-
rant to re him.
Once they had been seated and had a chance to
review the menu, Eliza turned to Dave and asked the
question she had been pondering for a couple of weeks:
“What is the real problem between you and Claire?”
Dave looked dumbstruck.
“This is why you invited me to Chez Dumas?” he
asked in disbelief. “To talk about Claire? God, Eliza! I
thought it was something important. You scared me!”
“It is important, Dave. That’s why I asked you here.
I need you to take this seriously. You have got to x
94 ◾ Transforming Teams
this relationship. So tell me, what is it all about, this
disagreement?”
Dave sat back in his chair and slowly shook his
head. He took a couple of moments to gather his
thoughts, knowing that Eliza was expecting a reasoned,
clear response—not a wisecrack remark like those he
was known for.
“Okay, I’ll tell you what it is. I don’t think Claire likes
me or trusts me. I get the feeling she thinks I’m not
serious and that all I do is play golf and go to lunch
and dinner without any professionalism. I even dis-
cussed this with Carlos, and he agrees with my assess-
ment. She’s just cold, and she doesn’t like me.”
“And she needs to like you? For you guys to work
together, she needs to like you?” Eliza pressed.
“Yes . . . well, no . . . yes! I guess the answer is yes.
I want her to like me. Hell, Eliza, you read my DISC
prole; I want . . . no, I need everyone to like me. And it
bothers me because I don’t think she does.”
Eliza jumped on this. “How do you know that she
doesn’t like you? Isn’t it possible that she may think
that you don’t like her, and so her guard is up? Don’t
you see, so far we’re still in behavioral style territory?
Just learning about style differences isn’t enough, Dave.
You have to start changing your behavior in order to be
more like her.”
“Fine. That’s all ne. But how? How do I do that,
exactly?”
“Dave, I’ve got two ‘golden nuggets’ for you . . .”
“Okay, hold off for a second,” Dave interrupted.
“Answer me this: What’s up with the ‘golden nuggets’?
The Only One You Can Change Is You ◾ 95
“Eliza, really? Couldn’t you come up with something
better than that? You truly undermine the whole ‘presi-
dent and CEO’ persona when you start talking about
‘golden nuggets.’ What gives?”
Eliza smiled. “Okay, here’s the story in a nutshell:
When I was a kid, my parents took me and my little
brother and sister out west on a road trip. We stopped
someplace in Colorado or Montana and went to a Wild
West theme park . . . I even remember the name—
Frontier Town. Anyway, they had rides named ‘The
Gold Rush’ and ‘Smuggler’s Pass.’ They also had this
little chocolate stand where they sold gold foil-wrapped
chunks of chocolate . . . golden nuggets. The name of
the stand was ‘Eliza’s Golden Nuggets.’ After that, any
time I told my little brother or sister what to do, they
would say, ‘Is that another one of Eliza’s golden nug-
gets?’ or ‘Keep your golden nuggets to yourself, Eliza.’
So it just sort of stuck. It followed me to school . . . to
college . . . even to HDS Tech. I think I’ll be dispensing
out golden nuggets of some sort or another until I die.”
Dave laughed, “Well that makes complete sense.
Then Eliza’s golden nuggets they are and will always
be! So, lay them on me—gimme some gold, Eliza.”
“Okay!” said Eliza, laughing. “The rst is “You have
to be the change you seek.” You’ve heard me say it
before. This is what it means. If you want Claire to
like you and to trust you, you have to like and trust
her. Yes, you run the risk of her not returning the
favor in kind, but at least you tried. Take her to lunch.
Tell her how much you appreciate what her team
does and why. Give her positive feedback. Just like
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