What Eliza Knows—Resources for Managers ◾ 199
If trust is broken and you are attempting to facilitate
a reconciliation between two or more people, consider
going through the steps that Eliza takes with Claire
and Dave:
Steps to Restoring Trust
◾ Determine whether the participants are willing to
“choose to trust” each other.
◾ Have participants declare their willingness to put
themselves in a position of vulnerability.
◾ Have each participant “unpack the baggage” of
what caused the distrust.
◾ Ask each participant to assess the cause of distrust
through the lens of the actions versus the inten-
tions of each participant.
◾ Remind your participants to question their own
interpretations and stories, and remind them to
listen with an open mind and heart.
◾ Upon concluding, encourage participants to make
new requests, offers, and promises.
Making and Managing Promises
It will probably come as a surprise to your employees
that those brief, frequent exchanges that start with “Can
you . . .” and end with something akin to a “Sure” or a
“Yes,” are, in fact, promises. Labeling them as promises
gives them an importance and a weight that is inten-
tional. If we are not intentional about our language and
our commitments, we are likely to break them.
200 ◾ Transforming Teams
Eliza knows this. She knows how easy it is to break
a promise, particularly when we aren’t fully aware that
we’ve made a promise. That is why she introduced
her team to the formula and the components of a
promise—so that each person can be responsible for
the promises that he or she intentionally or inadver-
tently makes.
Fo
rmula of a Promise with Component
s
Formula of a Promise:
Request + Acceptance = Promise
Oer + Acceptance = Promise
Components of a Promise:
Provider
Consumer
Service or Product
Time Frame
Conditions of Satisfaction
Of course, life often intervenes. Despite our best
intentions, we are not always able to keep our prom-
ises. Sometimes we have to revise them. Sometimes we
have to revoke them altogether. Sometimes we can’t
accept the promise in the rst place. In any case, as
long as we continue to recognize and take responsi-
bility for our promises (revised or revoked) and work
to ensure the request or offer is satised in another
acceptable way, our relationships are strengthened and
so is our trustworthiness. Breaking our promises is not
an option.
What Eliza Knows—Resources for Managers ◾ 201
What You Can Do
Just as Karen does for Eliza’s team, invite two members
of your team to make a request or offer of each other.
Write it down and then use that exchange as a sample
to identify the components of a promise. Remember,
this content is easily taught and easily grasped. The
true challenge is in its day-to-day application.
Once your team is familiar with how to make and
manage promises, you, as a leader, need to reinforce
this learning by being explicit in how you make and
manage your own requests, offers, and promises. As
a leader, you also need to hold others to their com-
mitments as well. Remember, as Eliza knows, a sh
rots from the head down . . . but the positive aspects of
leadership ow that way as well. If your team sees you
become passionate about promises, they will too.
Critical Conversations
Eliza realized that, in order for her team to be success-
ful, they had to engage in some critical conversations.
Some of those conversations were fun and easy, such
as giving positive feedback. Others were difcult, such
as holding each other accountable for their promises,
being open about misgivings and concerns, and restor-
ing trust. For teams to be truly successful and collabor-
ative, team members need to be able to engage in these
conversations:
202 ◾ Transforming Teams
◾ Holding peers and others accountable for their
promises
◾ Avoiding fake consensus and encouraging healthy
disagreement
◾ Restoring broken trust
◾ Considering actions versus intentions
◾ Providing feedback and setting expectations
With all of these, Eliza knows that we must always be
aware of the stories we tell ourselves. Until they are veri-
ed, they are only stories in our own heads and should
not be the basis for any conclusions or signicant actions.
Eliza also knows that all conversations are difcult,
if not dangerous, if we have them while we are in an
emotional state. With some assistance, she learned to
become more aware of her emotional state, and in
doing so she also learned how to regulate her emotions
and reach a place where essential conversations could
take place. And she worked to help others in her orga-
nization learn this as well.
Finally, Eliza knows that we need to spend more
time listening—not to our own stories, but to what oth-
ers are saying.
What You Can Do
Any critical conversation has the potential to be difcult
or stressful. Eliza’s counsel to Dave is something that all
managers can learn from:
First, manage your emotions.
What Eliza Knows—Resources for Managers ◾ 203
Second, be aware of your “due North” in the
conversation.
Third, listen and then proceed.
The rst step is perhaps the most challenging—
managing one’s emotions. Fortunately, developing
and improving emotional intelligence, or EQ, is fairly
straightforward. Often, simply becoming aware of the
components of EQ helps individuals become more pro-
cient in managing their own emotions.
Components of Emotional Intelligence (EQ)
Self Awareness
Self Regulation
Motivation
Empathy
Social Skills
Intrapersonal EQ Interpersonal EQ
Low EQ
High EQ
There are a number of levels to emotional intel-
ligence. There are the emotions that we have within
ourselves—our Intrapersonal EQ—and the emotions
we are able to assess and relate to of others—our
Interpersonal EQ. The more we are able to be aware
of, regulate, and move through our own emotions,
the more likely we will be able to empathize with
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