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Chapter 11
Dave’s Critical
Conversations
Eliza felt that the lunch had gone well and was con-
dent that Dave had taken her message to heart. It
seemed he understood how important mending things
with Claire was to her. And she felt that, in his own
heart, it was important to him, too.
She waited anxiously to hear how their conversation
had gone, but neither Dave nor Claire mentioned any-
thing. After a few days, Eliza began to suspect that the
conversation hadn’t even taken place, so she stepped
into Dave’s ofce to check in.
“Hey, so, I was just curious, how did your conversa-
tion go with Claire?”
“Perfectly! I haven’t had it.”
100 ◾ Transforming Teams
“Dave, why not? I know you guys have been work-
ing together. You must have had the opportunity to
talk. What stopped you?”
Dave sighed and sat back in his chair. He sat quietly
for a few long moments and then asked Eliza to shut
his ofce door so that they could talk more privately.
“Okay, what’s up?” Eliza asked.
“Look, Eliza. I have a lot going on right now . . .
uh . . . so . . . I think Beverly and I are going to separate.”
Eliza looked intently at Dave and took a seat. Dave
and his wife Beverly had been childhood sweethearts
and had been married for close to 15 years. They did not
have any children—something Eliza never asked about
but sensed was not a conversation that Dave welcomed.
But Eliza had always thought it odd that Beverly never
attended any work functions. Dave often went out with
the guys from HDS Tech sales, and Carlos and Dave
seemed to spend every waking hour over the weekend
going to one sporting event or another. In fact, Dave
never seemed to mention his wife at all. Eliza wasn’t
expecting the news but, as she was processing what
Dave was saying, she wasn’t surprised either.
“It has been a long time coming, and it’s something
that we both seem to want, so it’s amicable. We really
have nothing that brings us together. She doesn’t like
to go out. She isn’t interested in sports. She loves her
pottery and her arts and crafts, and I don’t care about
those things. We just don’t have anything in common.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I know that must be hard,” said Eliza.
“Well, here’s the funny thing . . . actually, it isn’t funny
at all, but . . . you’re asking me to have this conversation
Dave’s Critical Conversations ◾ 101
with Claire about all of the things that I appreciate
about her. And, honestly, that’s a conversation I’ve
never even had with Beverly.”
Eliza looked surprised and a bit sad.
“I mean it,” continued Dave. “I was thinking about
it last night. I’ve never had any sort of conversation
with Beverly like that and, more surprisingly, I think
I’m afraid to. I’m terried to have the conversation with
Claire, but I now realize I’ve been even more afraid to
have that kind of conversation with Beverly.”
“Afraid? Why? What are you afraid of?” asked Eliza,
who had not anticipated this chat at all.
“Of putting myself out there. Of being open. Of
having a conversation about feelings. I know, it sounds
dumb. I’m a grown man—I should be able to discuss
my feelings openly. But I don’t want to screw it up or
look like an ass. It’s just not comfortable for me. I know
you’re going to say it is because I’m being a ‘typical
guy,’ but it’s more than that.”
“No, I’m not going to say that,” said Eliza as she
paused to collect her thoughts. “Do you know what
these are? These are critical conversations. They matter,
and they can be scary. Trust me, I have to have them
all the time, and you know my behavioral style. They
don’t come naturally to me. But I’ve learned how to do
them. It’s not because you’re a guy. It’s because they
are difcult and you have never practiced. You have to
learn how to have them.”
“Learn? How?” Dave asked.
“Well, I’ve read some books on the topic. I had
a coach who helped me a lot with it. And I’ve just
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practiced and, through trial and error, gured out what
works for me. Would you like me to share with you
how I approach them?”
“Well, I obviously need help. Feel free to charge me for
the therapy session, though,” said Dave, trying to make
light of a conversation he didn’t really want to be having.
Eliza needed to set the space and mood for this talk
with Dave.
“Okay. Put your feet at on the ground. Relax your
shoulders and close your eyes.”
Dave shot her a look that said, “Uh-oh, more of
Eliza’s touchy-feely stuff,” but he did as she asked.
“Okay, I want you to think about having a conversa-
tion with Claire or Beverly. Either one. Just think about
it. What do you feel?”
Dave sat still for a moment and then said, “Nervous.”
“Nervous? Where? What does nervous feel like in
your body?” asked Eliza.
“In my stomach. It feels tight, like I have butteries
in it.”
“Okay. Do you feel it anywhere else?”
“In my shoulders and neck. They feel tense and
tight,” said Dave. “And my scalp feels tight and tingly.”
“Okay, go ahead and open your eyes. What I just
showed you is how you can tell you are going to have
a critical conversation—by how you feel. If the conver-
sation makes you feel that way, then your body is tell-
ing you that you need to pay attention and plan your
conversation.
“The clearest indication to me that I have to have a
critical conversation is either because I feel it, literally, in
Dave’s Critical Conversations ◾ 103
my body, similar to how you just described, or I realize
that I’m avoiding a conversation because the stakes are
high. And that’s how you know you’re having a critical
conversation. Your emotions are high because the risk
that the conversation will go wrong is high, and you
know that feelings or relationships could be harmed.
“When I know I’m having a critical conversation, the
rst thing I do is address the physical feelings. I breathe
deeply and I visualize the conversation going well. I
visualize us reaching an agreement.
“Then I focus on my “due North”—my ultimate goal
for the conversation. What do I need to accomplish by
having the conversation? What’s my point?
“Next, I try to become aware of all of the stories I
may be telling myself about the conversation so that I
can try to consider what alternative stories may exist.
“Then I practice. Literally, I practice. I close my eyes
and imagine having the conversation, and I practice
what I’m going to say and how I’m going to say it, and
how I’m going to react if the conversation starts to veer
off course.
“Finally, I calm my nerves down one last time and
I have the conversation. During the conversation, I try
to be as clear as possible with the person about how
I’m feeling, what my intentions are, and what my “due
North” is. That way, if the conversation goes poorly,
at least I will be able to focus on the purpose of the
conversation instead of getting sidetracked by the other
person’s emotions. And throughout, I do my best to lis-
ten: to their concerns, to their stories, to their emotions.
And I try to react accordingly.
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